I was abused from when I was born to when I was early 20s by my family and then an abusive ex. I’ve been attacked for being gay and was disowned by my family for the same reason. I spent most of my 20s homeless and lost out on a lot of time due to realizing that no one really cares about other people, at least the majority doesn’t. Lost everything I have as well as everything I was. Have always been depressed and a mess and hoped things would get better. They haven’t. They’ve gotten steadily and gradually worse. At the most they plateau for a little bit. I’ve lost pretty much all the people I care about and I have no energy to really do anything anymore. I don’t want to die but I want to be dead. I am tired all of the time. While I know all of this is a drastic and pretty severe problem, I can’t do anything about it. I’m stuck on waiting lists to talk to people or get prescriptions, and that’s when I can afford them. I don’t see a purpose to really… do anything anymore. I have no drive. No motivation. No hope. No dreams. No aspirations. No anything. I am literally just waiting until I die and trying to enjoy the tiny amount of things that have been put in front of me. That’s when I can enjoy the things without someone chiming in to say how much the thing sucks, often people who I respect/admire/care about being the people who say it. Mostly because I don’t know how to make good decisions and often surround myself with people who hate me because it feels more comforting to have someone insult me than compliment me. As fucking psychotic as that is. So I just post memes and wile away my time until I die.
That’s mainly why.
But it is what it is. Such is life. Soldier on, keep going, carry on, yadda yadda.
As an Indigenous person who grew up in northern Ontario … this was basically my life and often it still feels like this. But like you say, you keep soldiering on.
Keep working, keep doing things, keep being nice, keep being kind, keep staying busy - ignore the world, ignore what they say, ignore what they do - stay away from negativity, stay away from dark people - move towards light, move towards happiness, move towards being good - laugh at the world, laugh at your enemies, laugh at yourself, laugh with your friends.
And when you’re out in the wilderness, near a park or just outside your home … look for the biggest tree you can find and wrap your arms around it, hold on it and hang on and let it’s energy mesh with yours. The grandfather tree has seen more life than you and I ever will and will most likely live longer than us. It’s a lesson I was taught by my elders long ago. When you are lost, sad, unhappy and can’t find your way home … hold onto a grandfather tree, a being rooted to the ground, that touches the sky, lives without malice, gives shelter to others and watches the world with quiet empathy. He will give you some of its life and a moment to find your way back to something good.
That was an interesting google rabbit hole. But i’m pure imperial invader here. Although spending some time out in a park before the weather becomes completely unbearable isn’t a bad idea. Just… lonely.
You live up to your character every day Stamets … Lol. You put on such an evil facade yet you have a heart of gold.
I only mentioned the St Marie part to intentionally send you down that rabbit hole. Cultural appropriation is a big deal to me because I am Indigenous and it sickens me to see people revel in my culture when my people are made to feel ashamed for it.
Go outside to the park whenever you can even if you don’t feel like it. I’m getting older and it’s getting harder for me to do these things. I’m not ancient or dying, I’m just getting subtle reminders that my systems are failing.
Breathing the fresh air, the wind on your skin and the sight of trees or the forest does a world of good for the soul.
Like I said… keep these conversations in mind by the time you get to late Season 3 lol
Honestly I hadn’t even heard of St Marie before but then again my knowledge of people who aren’t related to Star Trek is drastically short. And the only culture my room has screams “Broke white boy with an unhealthy Trek obsession”
I might tomorrow… it’s cloudy and cold and shitty today. I miss the sun
I’ve had different traumas (career and relationship related), I don’t think they’re as bad as yours but I completely understand what you’re going through. I’ve been on a few medications and therapies but the emptiness and lack of motivation is always there. After a certain amount of trauma I just don’t see how you move forward without the universe making serious amends, like maybe a streak of really good luck. I actually just sit around waiting for a UBI program to exist and jumpstart my life, because my brain doesn’t work well enough to go back to my old routine dealing with the same terrible people.
Hay, could you take a look through my comment history and see if I’m someone you’d want to talk to? I apologize for the snarky bits and the one liners.
You mentioned doing a discord to watch on that Bjork mushroom movie, which unfortunately is only in theaters right now.
Anyway, take a look at the kinds of things I write and hit me up if you want to talk.
I never got as bad as wanting to not be alive but a couple panic attacks made me suck it up and get the wheels rolling on seeing a Psych and getting meds. ADHD since childhood didn’t help but the meds sure as fuck do. It sucks that you see what you’re supposed to be doing but our social safety nets sucks so much, especially as adults, that you can’t use them.
Finding insurance and a stable job can go a long way. Without them, it can be tough out of pocket. Finding the right combo of meds was what I knew I needed and ended up doing exactly what I needed them to. God damn they’re expensive though. Mostly the stimulants and anti-drinking pills (Naltrexone FTW!) though.
Edit: Honestly just being tired all the time, especially in the mornings, was one of the worst parts. My depression showing up as numbness was handy as a Stoic, but life is better when you feel shit appropriately.
That’s just horrible. And you’re right, most people today have little empathy for anyone else. But it’s terrible when you’re own family is among those without the intelligence and innate goodness to care about you as a human being. Your sexuality is just a preference, not a definition of everything you are. I’m gay myself and was always bullied in school (long before I was gay or anything else) and have suffered my fair share of slings and arrows.
But I never ever felt bad about being gay - it’s a gift and a blessing, and my family at least were supportive - or maybe just well-educated enough to know that someone’s sexuality is not anyone else’s business to worry over.
If you’re tired all the time, that’s one of the big red flags for major depression. And it sounds like you’re doing everything to make it worse. Why seek out people who hate you - they’re gonna be around no matter what. What you really need is to seek out people like you who are encouraging and supportive. And you need to god-damn well wake and stop being a jerk to yourself.
Sorry but it has to be said. You have to let yourself learn how to be happy. Being gay is not only NOT some kind of punishment, it is most definitely NOT anything to feel guilty about. In fact, I think of it as a superpower, and it is one reason I wake up smiling every day.
I haven’t had the same setbacks you’ve had, but I’ve been through major bipolar episodes, (unrelated to sexuality), and I know how tough it can be to let those inner judges go, but you have to do it to improve your life. You have to fire those assholes and kick them out to the curb.
I was abused from when I was born to when I was early 20s by my family and then an abusive ex. I’ve been attacked for being gay and was disowned by my family for the same reason. I spent most of my 20s homeless and lost out on a lot of time due to realizing that no one really cares about other people, at least the majority doesn’t. Lost everything I have as well as everything I was. Have always been depressed and a mess and hoped things would get better. They haven’t. They’ve gotten steadily and gradually worse. At the most they plateau for a little bit. I’ve lost pretty much all the people I care about and I have no energy to really do anything anymore. I don’t want to die but I want to be dead. I am tired all of the time. While I know all of this is a drastic and pretty severe problem, I can’t do anything about it. I’m stuck on waiting lists to talk to people or get prescriptions, and that’s when I can afford them. I don’t see a purpose to really… do anything anymore. I have no drive. No motivation. No hope. No dreams. No aspirations. No anything. I am literally just waiting until I die and trying to enjoy the tiny amount of things that have been put in front of me. That’s when I can enjoy the things without someone chiming in to say how much the thing sucks, often people who I respect/admire/care about being the people who say it. Mostly because I don’t know how to make good decisions and often surround myself with people who hate me because it feels more comforting to have someone insult me than compliment me. As fucking psychotic as that is. So I just post memes and wile away my time until I die.
That’s mainly why.
But it is what it is. Such is life. Soldier on, keep going, carry on, yadda yadda.
Gotcha. Well, turn that frown upside down!
I know it barely makes a difference, but I wanna say that I appreciate and look forward to your memes
Nah, it makes a difference. Thanks <3
You sound more Indigenous than Buffy St Marie
As an Indigenous person who grew up in northern Ontario … this was basically my life and often it still feels like this. But like you say, you keep soldiering on.
Keep working, keep doing things, keep being nice, keep being kind, keep staying busy - ignore the world, ignore what they say, ignore what they do - stay away from negativity, stay away from dark people - move towards light, move towards happiness, move towards being good - laugh at the world, laugh at your enemies, laugh at yourself, laugh with your friends.
And when you’re out in the wilderness, near a park or just outside your home … look for the biggest tree you can find and wrap your arms around it, hold on it and hang on and let it’s energy mesh with yours. The grandfather tree has seen more life than you and I ever will and will most likely live longer than us. It’s a lesson I was taught by my elders long ago. When you are lost, sad, unhappy and can’t find your way home … hold onto a grandfather tree, a being rooted to the ground, that touches the sky, lives without malice, gives shelter to others and watches the world with quiet empathy. He will give you some of its life and a moment to find your way back to something good.
That was an interesting google rabbit hole. But i’m pure imperial invader here. Although spending some time out in a park before the weather becomes completely unbearable isn’t a bad idea. Just… lonely.
You live up to your character every day Stamets … Lol. You put on such an evil facade yet you have a heart of gold.
I only mentioned the St Marie part to intentionally send you down that rabbit hole. Cultural appropriation is a big deal to me because I am Indigenous and it sickens me to see people revel in my culture when my people are made to feel ashamed for it.
Go outside to the park whenever you can even if you don’t feel like it. I’m getting older and it’s getting harder for me to do these things. I’m not ancient or dying, I’m just getting subtle reminders that my systems are failing.
Breathing the fresh air, the wind on your skin and the sight of trees or the forest does a world of good for the soul.
Like I said… keep these conversations in mind by the time you get to late Season 3 lol
Honestly I hadn’t even heard of St Marie before but then again my knowledge of people who aren’t related to Star Trek is drastically short. And the only culture my room has screams “Broke white boy with an unhealthy Trek obsession”
I might tomorrow… it’s cloudy and cold and shitty today. I miss the sun
I’ve had different traumas (career and relationship related), I don’t think they’re as bad as yours but I completely understand what you’re going through. I’ve been on a few medications and therapies but the emptiness and lack of motivation is always there. After a certain amount of trauma I just don’t see how you move forward without the universe making serious amends, like maybe a streak of really good luck. I actually just sit around waiting for a UBI program to exist and jumpstart my life, because my brain doesn’t work well enough to go back to my old routine dealing with the same terrible people.
The most unhelpful thing I’ve heard someone say was “life isn’t fair to anyone, so just own it”. Yeah, thanks champ and fuck off.
Hay, could you take a look through my comment history and see if I’m someone you’d want to talk to? I apologize for the snarky bits and the one liners.
You mentioned doing a discord to watch on that Bjork mushroom movie, which unfortunately is only in theaters right now.
Anyway, take a look at the kinds of things I write and hit me up if you want to talk.
I never got as bad as wanting to not be alive but a couple panic attacks made me suck it up and get the wheels rolling on seeing a Psych and getting meds. ADHD since childhood didn’t help but the meds sure as fuck do. It sucks that you see what you’re supposed to be doing but our social safety nets sucks so much, especially as adults, that you can’t use them.
Finding insurance and a stable job can go a long way. Without them, it can be tough out of pocket. Finding the right combo of meds was what I knew I needed and ended up doing exactly what I needed them to. God damn they’re expensive though. Mostly the stimulants and anti-drinking pills (Naltrexone FTW!) though.
Edit: Honestly just being tired all the time, especially in the mornings, was one of the worst parts. My depression showing up as numbness was handy as a Stoic, but life is better when you feel shit appropriately.
Kinda rambling, but keep on keeping on.
Buy weed
Trust me bro
That’s just horrible. And you’re right, most people today have little empathy for anyone else. But it’s terrible when you’re own family is among those without the intelligence and innate goodness to care about you as a human being. Your sexuality is just a preference, not a definition of everything you are. I’m gay myself and was always bullied in school (long before I was gay or anything else) and have suffered my fair share of slings and arrows.
But I never ever felt bad about being gay - it’s a gift and a blessing, and my family at least were supportive - or maybe just well-educated enough to know that someone’s sexuality is not anyone else’s business to worry over.
If you’re tired all the time, that’s one of the big red flags for major depression. And it sounds like you’re doing everything to make it worse. Why seek out people who hate you - they’re gonna be around no matter what. What you really need is to seek out people like you who are encouraging and supportive. And you need to god-damn well wake and stop being a jerk to yourself.
Sorry but it has to be said. You have to let yourself learn how to be happy. Being gay is not only NOT some kind of punishment, it is most definitely NOT anything to feel guilty about. In fact, I think of it as a superpower, and it is one reason I wake up smiling every day.
I haven’t had the same setbacks you’ve had, but I’ve been through major bipolar episodes, (unrelated to sexuality), and I know how tough it can be to let those inner judges go, but you have to do it to improve your life. You have to fire those assholes and kick them out to the curb.