He’s a white man in a white robe with a white beard. He sits on a white throne on a white cloud. He is surrounded by white cherubs and white angels with white wings. He has a white son with blond hair and blue eyes who was born in the middle east 2000 years ago to a white woman in a blue and white veil.
He sits on his cloud and spends every moment monitoring and watching simultaneously each action and thought of 8 billion people. He also keeps tab on trillions of other living organisms from elephants down to individual bacteria.
He keeps a record of every thought and action you ever have or do, as well as each of the other 8 billion people, and the billions of people who came before.
He puts each of the 7000 people that die every hour on trial, where He produces this record to determine your next phase; if you merit reward you will be fitted with white wings and allowed the role of flying above the living, monitoring, and giving aid to those you loved in life.
He has a list of ten rules that you can’t break. If you break them then you’re in for a world of hurt. He has other rules too: for example He gets very angry if you eat meat on a Friday (he keeps track of leap years and time zones, so he knows when it’s your Friday). He doesn’t want you to sit where a menstruating woman has sat. He doesn’t want you to wear clothes made of both linen and wool. When Fighting a man, He expects you to chop off his wife’s hand if she grabs your genitals.
Sometimes he just hates you for who you are. This is especially true if you don’t believe in him, or your sexual preferences are wrong, or if you support the wrong political party. Sometimes this irritates Him so much that He creates random cataclysmic events in order to punish both you and innocent people and children around you.
If something good happens to you, the reason is simple: he’s watching over you and taking care of you. If something bad happens to you, then His reasons are mysterious and unfathomable and you should be content that there is some reason far above your ability to understand. This is especially true in unexpected cases, such as when a kitten is hit by a car or a baby is stricken with a fatal disease.
Upon your demise, if He deems you merit punishment, then you’re sent to the care of a red man with red wings who lives under the ground. There you’ll be continually stabbed with a red fork for eternity. Even after being stabbed continuously for millions of years, it will remain a painful experience, and you will scream the whole time.
I swear on everything that I can, that should I die and learn that the universe really does work this way, I will scream into the void and then will attempt to destroy my own immortal soul and renounce all of existence.
He’s a white man in a white robe with a white beard. He sits on a white throne on a white cloud. He is surrounded by white cherubs and white angels with white wings. He has a white son with blond hair and blue eyes who was born in the middle east 2000 years ago to a white woman in a blue and white veil.
He sits on his cloud and spends every moment monitoring and watching simultaneously each action and thought of 8 billion people. He also keeps tab on trillions of other living organisms from elephants down to individual bacteria.
He keeps a record of every thought and action you ever have or do, as well as each of the other 8 billion people, and the billions of people who came before.
He puts each of the 7000 people that die every hour on trial, where He produces this record to determine your next phase; if you merit reward you will be fitted with white wings and allowed the role of flying above the living, monitoring, and giving aid to those you loved in life.
He has a list of ten rules that you can’t break. If you break them then you’re in for a world of hurt. He has other rules too: for example He gets very angry if you eat meat on a Friday (he keeps track of leap years and time zones, so he knows when it’s your Friday). He doesn’t want you to sit where a menstruating woman has sat. He doesn’t want you to wear clothes made of both linen and wool. When Fighting a man, He expects you to chop off his wife’s hand if she grabs your genitals.
Sometimes he just hates you for who you are. This is especially true if you don’t believe in him, or your sexual preferences are wrong, or if you support the wrong political party. Sometimes this irritates Him so much that He creates random cataclysmic events in order to punish both you and innocent people and children around you.
If something good happens to you, the reason is simple: he’s watching over you and taking care of you. If something bad happens to you, then His reasons are mysterious and unfathomable and you should be content that there is some reason far above your ability to understand. This is especially true in unexpected cases, such as when a kitten is hit by a car or a baby is stricken with a fatal disease.
Upon your demise, if He deems you merit punishment, then you’re sent to the care of a red man with red wings who lives under the ground. There you’ll be continually stabbed with a red fork for eternity. Even after being stabbed continuously for millions of years, it will remain a painful experience, and you will scream the whole time.
Amen.
I swear on everything that I can, that should I die and learn that the universe really does work this way, I will scream into the void and then will attempt to destroy my own immortal soul and renounce all of existence.