I am reading “Unmasking Autism” by Devon Price and the introduction has an exercise that requires you to come up with 5 moments in your life where you felt fully alive. I have spent the better part of yesterday trying to remember such moments, but I am not even sure what it means… I was hoping the community here can provide some insights, either by sharing their moments or their definition of being “fully alive”.
Full text of the exercise for anyone interested:
Instructions: Think of five moments in your life when you felt like you were FULLY ALIVE. Try to find moments from throughout your life (childhood, adolescence, adulthood; school, work, vacation, hobbies).
Some of the moments might leave you with a sense of awe and wonder—“wow, if all of life was like that, life would be amazing!” Some of the moments might leave you feeling deeply recharged and ready to face the next challenge, or satisfied and fulfilled.
Write down each of these moments. Tell the story of each moment in as much detail as possible. Try to think specifically about why the moment stuck with you sodramatically.
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Several years ago I took my first trip out of the country. We started in the UK and then took the tunnel to France.
I did not at the time speak a single word of French. I’d had almost no exposure to the language.
On the ride between London and Paris it hit me that I had no plan for how to navigate in a place where I did not speak the language.
There was a thrill that accompanied the risk. It’s hard to explain exactly what that emotion was, a, because I’m also autistic and my emotional vocabulary is stunted to put it simply, and 2, because I’ve never felt that exact way in any other circumstance.
It’s the first thing that comes to mind when you ask about feeling fully alive. “How are we gonna do this omg what are we gonna do, what have we gotten ourselves in to???” It’s not going to be the same for everyone. It’s an ambitious question, probably intentionally ambiguous. It’s the type of thing that autistic people, in my experience, have difficulty exploring.
I’ve done a decent bit of travelling and felt great joy during those experiences, but the one moment that jumped to mind when reading this thread is from my teenage years.
My first relationship was online and after about a year of long distance we met in person. I flew over and stayed with her family for a few days. I can only describe the emotion I felt as pure euphoria, distilled and undiluted. I’d never tried any drugs but for those few days (and especially the first) it felt like I was both high and in a dream. I’ve tried to speak about this feeling of euphoria before but I think people always assume I’m talking about sex when that’s not the case at all. It was a mixture of anxiety and elation and like a daydream had come to life.
The come down (if it can be called that?) was not quite as intense but hit hard too. For a couple days after returning home I kept questioning if it had all been a dream.
I’ve never had an experience like that since and I’m not sure I ever will.
I don’t know if it counts as feeling “fully alive” but it’s what came to mind.
Disclaimer: I do not have an official diagnosis, I just strongly suspect I may be on the moderate side of the spectrum, which has been confirmed by the tests I took so far.
Had a couple of years in Uni when I played bass in two bands - blues/rock and jazzy covers. The entire “musician” experience, for me, was the point where life made sense. I would call it the moment of feeling alive in the sense that the whole context encouraged me to be as present and as ‘in the now’ as I’ve ever been. Used to lose myself in the music and the friendships, even concert preps were engaging. Guess the whole planning, gear handling, and the set-up itself tickled me in a certain way.
Surprisingly, even my relatively pronounced agoraphobic side sort of calmed down during that period (although, admittedly, the fact that I took Theatre and acting as my Majors may have had an immense impact on that, too).
Uhm… I hate to bother you, but as a fellow “suspected autistic after testing AND agoraphobic”, how does agoraphobia affect your day to day life?
I’ve known I was agoraphobic since I was 7, crossing large, empty, school fields to go home. The fear of that open space, even if you can see everything because there’s no foliage, there’s something off about it. I would deal with this by listening to music. I had a walkman that I would listen to religiously to help. I remember banging out some good Savage Garden in the high school fields. Heh…
Even now, I have issues with small bedrooms in my house, boosting anxiety when I can feel the empty space without clutter. Even sitting in larger vehicles can trigger this feeling.
How are you affected, and how do you manage?
No bother whatsoever, happy to share!
Honestly, acting has helped me with this, therapy by exposure really pays off for agoraphobia - we used to have classes in large, tall, unfurnished rooms, with ash-grey padding on all of the walls (would’ve quit then and there were it not for the large windows…), about 6 hours per day. In the evening, full-on neon lighting. Also, the increased awareness of self gained through physical exercises and acting itself takes a lot of the edge off, for some reason. It helped me reach a point where I still feel the anxiety, I still feel my body going into prep mode, but I can push through it and everything subsides fairly quickly after that. Also went through a hefty amount of therapy to solve various childhood and contemporary traumas, which regained me my confidence.
Other than that, in more practical terms, I find grounding exercises help bring everything back into focus. I constantly listen to music when out and about, so I generally focus on that and try to get into the groove, just as yourself. Other than that, identifying random visual elements, feeling my body’s movement, focusing on my steps, on my breathing, the whole kit and kaboodle. Mine mostly manifests through physiological reflexes, like a burst of adrenaline, senses going into hyperalertness, and also through paying a lot of attention specifically to what others are doing around me. When tired and unfocused, overthinking, catastrophising, intrusive thoughts, and even hypertension come into play, so I try to get my beauty sleep as much as possible. I think I understand what you mean about something feeling off about certain spaces/situations, although I’ve honestly never identified the cause beyond an acute awareness of being overexposed, even when standing in the middle of a room, and it makes me really jumpy - this I attenuate through a sort of mapping of my space, I try to visualise where everything is and focus on the physicality of the space itself. I do go through prolonged periods of self-isolation out of a feeling of fatigue from having to face the symptoms, although I enjoy solitude, so there’s that.
My advice would be to not force it in unreasonable amounts, just like working out. Key is consistency, not volume, so keep safe spaces close and there is no abuse as long as you keep at it. I keep my space relatively cluttered, too - furniture or decorations/stuff, I think it has to do with visual noise in my case- to aid with this, I’ve also replaced all lighting with smart lights and I use those to hone in on a mood which feels relaxing in the moment. I also use my smartwatch to monitor my vitals just in case everything takes me by surprise, I’ve had sort-of “silent” full-blown anxiety attacks, in that my body and system go haywire, while my awareness has tunnel vision, so I’m not aware that my heart is pounding, stuff like that. Then, I go into grounding mode, breathing exercises are especially useful for the silent ones.
As a final note, I’ve found that several somewhat philosophical points have also affected my relationship with agoraphobia. I’ve learnt to appreciate the beauty of liminality, to the point where it turned into a minor fascination. Being aware of the universe’s scale helps me detach through reduction of dimensions, stuff like that. These are shots in the dark, but hey! Ya’ never know, brain’s weird!:))
Thank you so much!
I can definitely see a few parallels as well. I drifted into role playing as well, which helped with a bit of my anxiety and autism. It helped me role play myself out of weird situations and help allow me to behave better in some social cues.
The clutter is interesting, because despite the fact it exists and may be an eyesore to others, I know exactly where things are. Maybe some of the agoraphobia is caused by not knowing where or what things are around you. I get flustered when I don’t create the mess. Heh.
I had a Fitbit watch for a while, but all the data it was offering me felt overwhelming.
I appreciate all the tips and descriptions about yours. :) Thank you!
My pleasure, really hope something out of that wall of text makes something click on your end!:D
To be honest, it was quite counterintuitive, I’d say acting actually helped me get in touch with myself more than anything, actually dropped a lot of the “etiquette” I’d adopted in day-to-day life and just started being myself. There was a slight shift in others’ perception of me, but it only went to “eccentric and mostly harmless”:)) Did, indeed, help with the conversing aspect, helped me get rid of awkward pauses and be more attuned to the conversation.
Exactly! It’s an orderly kind of chaos, and that’s a very good point about levels of familiarity, could explain my tendency to mentally map out environments as well! Huh, my turn to thank you!
I own a Garmin watch and their interface is pretty straightforward on the watch itself. Gives you in-depth statistics in-app, but the stress level monitor, heart rate monitor, and BloodOx read-out are all readily available. Even has some in-built breathing exercise routines.
Again, my pleasure!:D It’s genuinely satisfying discussing about these things, not a lot of opportunities…
I think for me it’s this feeling when I am completely relaxed, no obligations in my mind, no stress, no sensory or physical discomfort. Last time I felt it was on a nice warm spring day, lying in a hammock in the garden, reading a book and having a gentle warm breeze flowing over me. That felt so nice, so real.
like when im kinda daydreaming on uni, i think so this is the thing i waiting for, in the end its feel good study, or when i feel love, but i feel it like a few times in my life, i feel like life has some meaning and i could just relax and go through my life, knowing like tomorrow is going to be the same day that today but not worrying about it, that i have in control everything and that im surrounded by the correct people. but honestly i feel like i can have a friend, but i wish i could have someone to love, to say my deepest feelings and he could understand me, that he or she was in the place for me, i dont know how to express that, not in a dependency relationship but that i can like a real beautiful life. but unfortunately that person hasn’t come and also this communication problem that i can say anything almost my feelings lol
