Yes, Yacy is what you want OP (https://yacy.net). It’s rather pathetic that people are still trying to be a parasite, but wanting to do so anonymously. Roll up your sleaves and commit your resources to making community search engines work. You have the control.
When do we commercialise for the owners? Can’t wait to be exploited in novel ways.
I’m in my early 30s, and likewise, never liked life. I’ve listened to people and they always say “it gets better”. I doubt it, but even if it did, when? What even gets ‘better’? How? When you’ve been crippled by age does the universe pull back the curtains to reveal meaning, or floods your body with feel-good chemicals?