Wish I could claim credit, but in the immortal words of Shaggy, “It wasn’t me.”

This is just something my mom drilled into us when I was younger, and I still do it to this day

Others have already said to let go about everything being perfect, because there will be things outside of your control that you cannot account for, so I won’t harp on about that.

Instead, I recommend a little pre-trip prep at home to make the end of your trip a dream as well. Take some time to clean the house/apartment, do the dishes and laundry, make the bed.

There is nothing like coming home after a long trip, but coming home to a mess or chores after a (hopefully) amazing time is a terrible way to cap off your vacation, so do yourselves a favor and spend a couple hours on making home perfect before you leave.

(Obligatory: I’m not a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I’ve been in your husband’s shoes, and all of the men in my family are living with depression)

First, thank you so much for even sticking by your husband and reaching out to find ways you can help. It is all too common that people get frustrated when their significant other is trapped by depression and push them away or don’t seek to understand. Your husband is a lucky man.

On the flip side, supporting someone in difficult times like this can be taxing. Don’t feel guilty for seeking your own support, such as your own therapy sessions with a psychologist. Supporting someone else becomes so much easier when you also have a system behind you as well, rather than going alone because they are the ones with depression.  I did not do myself any favors by essentially doing what it sounds like you are doing, but for my ex-wife, being her safe space/anchor while she worked on her general anxiety and a lot of suppressed childhood trauma, but it took a huge toll on me as well, basically ignoring my needs because I was dedicating everything to her.

Some context on my opinions here: I was someone who was a “gifted kid” (advanced classes in school, extra curricular activities, science summer camps, etc) and lived almost 30 years without an ADHD diagnosis because it was a dirty word back when I was young. Today I’m living today the related depression as an adult when it’s hard to keep up with things “normal” people take for granted and a lot of social anxiety from a difficulty forming strong lasting relationships.

I’d like to offer some suggestions that may help, some of which have helped me, while others have helped my family but weren’t successful for me:

• Therapy: all three of us in my family have our own therapist, and we all have our own cadence for that. Sometimes being able to speak to a neutral third-party is easier than talking to a loved one, because they may still be unconsciously trying to hide their “weakness” from those that they love. Also, if your situation allows, try “shopping around” for a therapist, including trying a psychologist (not sure if your country has the distinction, but in all of the places I’ve lived, a psychologist does therapy but cannot prescribe medication, while a psychiatrist can; having one or both can be helpful).
• Try to limit his use of alcohol as a self medication, it’s one of the worst things for you if you’re already fighting depression, as it just reinforces the depression mindset of feeling stuck and listless. If he’s resistant, try suggesting things like non-alcoholic cocktails/beer, which can help by continuing the “routine” while replacing it with something of a placebo effect
• Medication isn’t for everyone, and even if it is right, not all anti-depressants or ADHD meds are the same. If he hasn’t already, I encourage you to speak with your husband and medical provider about trying other options. My dad went through about 5 anti-depressants before he found one that felt right for him
• break routines: one of the hardest things for me is breaking out of a downward spiral that can be weeks in the making. You mentioned that you’ve tried to get him to do this, but I encourage you to change tactics (e.g. instead of asking him to go for a walk, tell him you’d like to check out something he’s interested, like a museum or concert or whatever, but you’d feel better going with him there to guide you. It gets him out of the house and might give an ego boost as he’s able to share something he’s passionate about with someone he loves)
• Celebrate even the small victories. When your husband is able to do those small chores you mentioned, show him that you understand how hard it was for him and that you appreciate his effort. Try to align these with his “love language”, be that words of affirmations, gifts, or whatever. But when he can’t, while it will probably feel frustrating, try not to let him see that, and instead meet him with that same compassion and understanding

I wish you the best of luck, it’s not easy for anyone, but like I said, your husband is a lucky man to have someone so loving at his side.

$14/hour? Not likely, 20 states are still at the federal minimum of $7.25/hour, and only like 7 are at $14 or higher.

Lump that together with the massive stigma about hiring people who spent time in prison, the shit education and/or training most incarcerated people receive and they’ll be lucky to get two minimum wage jobs to barely squeak by.

The U.S. never abolished slavery, they just gave it a makeover and called it justice.

“Go for the eyes, Boo!”

Can we please start using this photo of him for every article?

As someone who biked year round while at college in Wisconsin, congrats on making it with minimal falling, it’s not easy.

Echoing what someone else said, sometimes you just need to hop off the bike and walk it for a little.

This actually reminds me of an incident in high school.

One of the teachers was younger and pretty cool, and one day we were told there would be a substitute later that week, but the teacher wanted to help us mess with the sub, so instead of Literature class that day, we practiced humming at a super low volume to make the sub question their hearing, gracefully dropping pencils and books at opportune times, etc.

Well the day finally came, and sufficed to say we failed at being discreet and the sub got pretty pissed at us. The scheduled lesson was abandoned, and instead we were told to write a short essay about how we should behave in class and the lessons we should be focused on.

Well it was high school lit, so we were reading some books that had adult themes and things, and some of the kids wrote that we were learning how to identify prostitutes (some character had a different woman visit all the time) or how to murder or whatever.

The next week the teacher was back, and because of our shenanigans and the essay content, we heard that they basically had to fight to keep their job, and damn did we all feel like fucking idiots after that.

I still think about that teacher from time to time. I hope they’re doing ok.

Yea, I would talk to your IT dept, this is just lazy, when I was managing we at least set it to [usernames] phone

I feel this, but I’m coming from a very different angle, having been out of a long term (10 years) relationship for almost a year now, and in therapy for several things since then.

When I find myself ruminating on my ex, wondering what’s she’s doing and/or sabotaging my drive to get out and meet new people, I find that it helps to think about why things ended and what I’ve been able to accomplish and feel good about since the split.

It provides some perspective about who I am as an individual, instead of only thinking of myself in the context of that relationship, and it sounds like you might be similar to me in that you invest heavily in a relationship to the point where that becomes a major part of your self identity, which spiraled into codependency.

I think what might be throwing you for a loop here is that this is sounds like an actual partnership (e.g. you don’t have to initiate everything), rather than a pursuit/job on your part to keep things going, which is unfamiliar territory.

I encourage you to keep working with your therapist on everything, and when you find yourself stuck in that type of thought spiral, take a mental step back and try to find what kicked off that train of thought so you can better manage your reaction to it in the future.

(Sorry if this is rambly/all over the place, on vacation and been drinking)

I thought Xcommunications might have potential, but it’s too long