Hope you signed a pre-nup, and that there’s no life insurance in play… all joking aside, though, I wish your family the best, especially little Johnny Strychnine.

But serious question - how do you take responsibility for the suffering of millions when it’s based on people misquoting you when you were partying in the desert with a bunch of hippies? I mean, we were definitely burning the bush, if you get my drift - things were wild down by the shores of the Dead Sea in the BC. I mean, when you cut loose at a rave, are you responsible for the deaths of future millions because someone filmed you when you were high and used it as a basis for a religion?

Technoviking might have some choice words about that…

Personally, I just drink too much.

See what I mean? Everyone believes this bullshit.

First off, that whole revolution thing was Judas’ deal, and the fucker sold me out the moment it was clear that it had failed. Secondly, it’s kinda hard to stand up to your Dad when you’re a kid, especially when he happens to put you on blast with the holy visions and angels and whatnot - plus there’s that whole “I created the entire universe when I was your age” trip that no kid should ever be subjected to. Third, I didn’t spread my Dad’s bullshit - that Old Testament crap is definitely not me. Shouldn’t even be included in the same library, much less the same book as my biography.

Which, I should point out, most of which wasn’t written by anyone who actually listened to me. Fuck Paul in particular on that front, by the way - fucking homophobic con-man. “Oh Jesus made me blind! Oh Jesus made me see!” goddamn load of bullshit - never met the guy in my life or afterlife. Besides, everyone knows I went to Mexico for a vacation after being crucified, before I headed out to Japan to settle down. There was no way I was gonna stay in Roman territory and give them a second chance to finish the job.

Finally, have you ever talked to a platypus? Vicious, angry little creatures, rapacious predators, and masters of the deadly arts, particularly poisonings. Many are hitmen in the Maori mafia - no one suspects a platypus, despite Perry’s reputation.

Chaotic neutral at best, but definitely not good.

Fuck this propaganda bullshit. Dad is always trying to duck the blame for his shitty behavior. The whole “get crucified and save the world thing” was his idea - you think I wanted to get nails driven through my damn hands?

And another thing - everyone is always misquoting me and thinking I’m him. For the last fucking time, I’M NOT MY DAD. I have nothing to do with anything that asshole spits out, or how reporters spun my quotes after the whole cross situation. I mean, for fuck’s sake, platypuses? What kind of sick mind comes up with that? Who looks at a duck and thinks hey, that’s not badass enough - lets make it venomous and furry!

ONE SICK MOTHERFUCKER, that’s who, and I’m tired of taking responsibility for his weird ass decisions and proclamations.

For the record, since everyone wants to misquote me on these things: no one needs saving they can’t provide to themselves. Fuck who you like. Love who you like. Do what you like, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone… or causes changes to duck genetics. Ducks are cool as-is, bro.

Also, I effing love atheists. You guys are fucking hilarious, and I love seeing you piss off the old man. So y’all get an upvote for letting me rant, and if your soul engine ever needs a tune-up, hit me up in the garage.

Yeah, Texas isn’t kind to those of us with unique hairstyles.

Weak? Weak??? Fuck you you goddamn chucklefucking morons. There’s nothing weak about my writing, even taken out of context like you dumbfucks decided to do every other sentence. You can call me a lot of things, but weak ain’t one of them, you hypocritical motherfuckers. Those words are still the best selling fiction work EVER, and you idiots think that your lives are so hard the teachings are “weak”? Goddamn, people like you are what makes Dad flood shit.

Can’t believe I fucking got on a cross for these morons. That’s it - I know I’m supposed to be in recovery, but I need a goddamn drink. Anyone got a water bottle?

Fuck these hypocritical motherfuckers. This is why I work on cars now and not people.