FnordPrefect [comrade/them, he/him]

“Calm down! That’s his leg…”

“Irradiate the Roads? You don’t actually believe this do you?”

“Eh, gotta irradiate something!”

“And, obviously, price is the SOLE mechanism we have to limit purchases. I mean, sure, we could simply not allow one dude to back up a dumptruck to push 10,000 rolls of toilet paper into-”

*crowd interrupts with cheers*

"But-BUT that would be Un-American and communist! And my father died fighting those commies!

“So that will be $65 a roll if you want to wipe your ass”

Plasticizers are chemical compounds that make materials more flexible. “No matter who you are, or where you are, your daily level of exposure to these plasticizer chemicals is high and persistent,” Volz said. “They are ubiquitous.”

Well, at least all the microplastics invading my brain are staying nice and flexible…

Gilligan’s ISSland

“That’s right! It’s going well…”

“Sure it is. It’s just the coming back that’s causing trouble!”

Would it be a reasonable guess that this could be caused by untreated farm runoff from infected cows’ poo?

Meanwhile the Dems are whining and flailing because China has too many solar panels and EVs

Totalitarian indoctrination is making young people hate the west

Yeah, all those riot cops beating and arresting people for expressing their free speech to denounce genocide are really planting those anti-west ideas deep. Wait, what do you mean that’s not what you meant?

Seriously, this guy’s thinking is so backward it’s like he’s trying to kill a robot or something

Pb is yellow and there are two more colors to go…

The sea level along the US coastlines is projected to rise by 0.25–0.3 m by 2050, increasing the probability of more destructive flooding and inundation in major cities

Oh, but that’s 26 years away! We’ll probably have that bridge finished and be ready to tackle the next project by then

“Sure appreciate that the government functions just well enough to make it illegal for it to function at all…”

“Sure thing bro!”

This has the same vibe as Homer’s re-interview with the Germans

“You’ve been Shadow Chancellor for 3 years. What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?”

“Uh, all of them?..”

“I see…then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?”

“I sure do!”

“…”

“Such as?”

“Well, uh, I wish the workers wouldn’t be so whiny about us taking all their money…Because, a lot of capitalists really like money…”

Ohh, so that’s the deal with airline food

The US army has been training these militants inside Al-Tanf under the pretext of confronting ISIS.

“Look, just put these two letter patches after your name and we’ll fund you instead of fight you. Deal?”

One month later

“We’re pleased to announce the eradication of ISIS with the heroic deeds of our forces in the area: ISISN’T”

Two Step Guide to Writing A CNN Article:

1. Write a factual article about the US
2. Invert it so that it’s projecting all negativity onto “the enemy”

“If we stop testing right now, we’d have very few [concerns], if any.”

“This isn’t really our fault. Our “missing” money spreadsheets were in trillions and only configured for 2 decimal spaces, so another billion more or less gets lost all the time!”

lol, if Americans’ hand washing was as thorough and ubiquitous as our brainwashing COVID would never have stood a chance