I’ve been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don’t move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I’ve taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don’t get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven’t read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I’m able to keep alive at all is because I haven’t moved out of my parents’ house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn’t a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can’t blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
stop being so hard on yourself, for one. There’s nothing moral about being able to perform the things we’re expected by ourselves and/or others to do, especially in such a sad traumatic place as this.
Think of your favorite person ever: If they confided what you said here to you, hopefully you wouldn’t see them as a bad person. You’d see someone who really wants to do right and is struggling. One way that helped me process this is it’s a bit individualistic to think you’re worse than every other person. Give yourself the same consideration you’d give to any other person.
And speaking of individualism, we’re not living in the world that would make getting by in any way easy. Capitalism is soul crushing and you are not exempt just cuz you’re yourself and you expect yourself to be able to. We aren’t meant to have so much individual pressure on ourselves.
You should work on liking yourself, i think. Give yourself more of a chance.
and you’re not a drain on your parents. It sounds like they’re fine financially and you didn’t even ask to be born so you’re good there ,too.