First off, didn’t know if I should post this here, or over on the mental health board. Being focused on the interpersonal, though, I’ll slap it here. Please lemme know if I should take it outside.
Second, and as a preface (maybe even the main hint I should’ve taken, but we’ll see later on), I’m looking for a nuanced answer. I have been told that “I should go vegan if I’m allergic to veal” a lot of times before, but to my mind it’s way too vehement a change for something which, as dictated by my gut, holds more nuance than that. I know it’s not the standard way of doing things, but it’s how I want to try to do them for now, at least.
Thirdly, I say everything from my perspective, I state solely my opinion, and draw conclusions exclusively based on my limited set of experiences, so please don’t take anything I say as universally applicable or as supreme truth, because I don’t, either.
So, ok, onward to the thick of it. It’s about my pattern in attraction and in choosing potential partners. So far, I’ve primarily ended up in pretty toxic relationships, even when consciously and actively seeking something healthier as guided by my therapists. It’s usually been the anxious <> avoidant dance with varying comorbid ancillaries such as reciprocally triggering each others’ trauma responses, codependent <> BPD, etc., etc.
Now, my problem with all of this is that while I can recognise the mismatches and pain points when I see them - I’ve, unfortunately, become familiar with the dynamics of this situation, as well as the plethora of tiny little variations brought about by the different typologies of trauma clusters, I seem to be attracted primarily to characteristics which, so far, seem to be a package deal with the aforementioned unpleasantness. Even called out several incoming landmines to my therapists based on instinct in some previous relationships, which meant I started to manage avoiding the shitstorm which inevitably occurs at one point as this type of dynamic unfolds.
To note that I keep an eye out for red flags, as realistically and as attentively as possible, because I have physical abuse on my Bingo card and really don’t want to have to go through hiding sharp things in my house so that my partner won’t have easy access to any again. I really want something safe for myself, if anything at all, and am genuinely trying. But this shit pops up even months later, with no outward signs beforehand, and I have no idea how to account for things I can’t see.
This, then, is my question: am I intrinsically attracted to that which harms me like a magnet, unconsciously, do I have fuck-me-up-dar? Or is there a possibility of having the cake and eating it, too, like, meet someone who is thoroughly fucked up (as am I), but who is keeping it in check? Because, yes, I am attracted to the existential grit brought about by hardships. I like someone with dirty hands, someone who has good reasons to not be optimistic or generally cheerful, someone who has seen the things beneath the flesh and is now knee-deep in the abyss. Being miserable together is beautiful and nothing can dissuade me of it. Can the two exist separately?
Because I tried going for the “safer” people and, without the slightest intent of condescension, it always ended up feeling very platonic on my end. It felt like interacting with an immense innocence and I couldn’t allow myself to unfold, as it would’ve been like exposing dandelions to high levels of radiation to my mind. I couldn’t reach romance, as my romance is inextricably and irredeemably influenced by who I am. My love, though sincere, is tarnished and more than a bit charred. And I don’t want to be a loved one’s harsh reality, that is one role which I wholeheartedly avoid playing. Which is why I seek someone likewise tarnished and more than a bit charred. I even tried “same, but different,” in which personality varied greatly from my base while still presenting some behavioural common ground, and I ended up receiving the aforementioned physical abuse…
I also welcome (and thank you for) any other insights you may have pertaining to this situation, even if not directly related to my question!
I would say yes, this increases your chances of finding toxic partners by a lot. A lot of people can have hardships and have the “grit” but some of them stay positive and move forward while others keep the pessimism and the trauma unhealed. And as people with past trauma know, it’s gonna take a long time to properly heal, and having a positive life attitude and outlook is essential in that process. I am one of those with past trauma so I am not trying to be against them, but there is a reason that a lot of terrible criminals had terrible childhoods. Of course, others can become overachievers or great people too, but the correlation is there. If you want to find relatable partners, there are things beyond life hardships you can try to relate to.
Hey, thank you so much for your answer and insights!
See, that’s my point, I’m trying to walk that fine line between being realistically pessimistic and genuine, and pure unsolved trauma. Thing is, I tried to go for positive, for optimistic, but the times being as they are, most optimists are, honestly… a bit deluded and in denial, from what I’ve seen… And don’t get me wrong, I can still enjoy myself, I can still have a nice time, crack jokes, goof around (i.e. I still have that zest for life), but right here and now, with the entire context around us, I’m angry and focused on most days, which seems to clash a lot with the intention of trying to look away from reality.
Heck, I even hoped I’d have the home team advantage with this one, as one of our national pastimes is making fun of the horrible, so I thought more people around here would be inclined toward seeing and calling things as they are. But nope…
And I do have many, many other things with which I try to relate in a potential partner, but this particular aspect has demonstrated itself to be necessary for smooth interactions with a potential partner. This is just who I’ve become, I am constantly paying attention to everything around me, so it inadvertently reflects off of me in one way or another. If the times are shit, I won’t pretend they aren’t.
There is a line between acknowledging the horrible reality, and being completely submerged in that and can’t see the flowers next to the dirt road, and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a similar tendency as you described, but with my partner I’m able to notice that a bit of positivity I lack is essential to survive every day. A lot of people have traumatic pasts but move forward by seeing the hope in the hopeless, enjoying the simple things in life when they have the means to do so. I would say becoming positive and hopeful should be a prerequisite to getting into a relationship, otherwise you only have a shaky foundation and both of you will fall over.