It’s… I can and am choosing not to kill myself. I can’t choose to not want to kill myself. I think it’s kind of inevitable though, it’ll only take one time of things being bad enough for me to not care about hurting those who care about me. More or less just trying to give myself as much time as possible and enjoy what I can while I can.
I don’t really have any hope for the future. It’s become incredibly clear to me over the past few months that while I can feel better sometimes, nothing actually improves. Things don’t improve unless you actively try to improve them, and having tried and failed spectacularly it’s apparent that I even if I kept trying, it would be ineffective, and I just can’t care enough to keep trying.
I really don’t want to keep living, but I choose to anyways, at least until things I get bad I can’t choose anymore. I won’t hurt my friends and family and I know how I see things and how I feel are different from the reality of my situation. Just eventually, those won’t be enough anymore.
Agree with everything here. Something people don’t really understand is when you’re at that point of depression, suicide doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. It’s like, how much thought or importance do you put on choosing what color shirt you wear for the day? You don’t spend hours agonizing over it or thinking about it, you just wake up and look in your dresser and are like “well I guess it’s red today” and it’s the same for “well I guess it’s suicide today”. I’ve been there an uncomfortable amount of time. It’s a very scary place to be. You have to really actively fight against it.
And when you no longer enjoy anything, you can’t dive into something to distract yourself. When your personal connections no longer matter you can’t go to anyone to feel warm and fuzzy inside. You’re just alone and lost in the darkness. What has helped me when I’ve been in that spot is to find and reach out to other people who’ve been in the same spot and understand. The feeling and the whole experience is so hard to put into words to people who haven’t been through it.
At least for me, personally. I found comfort in people who were going through similar or have been through similar in the past and could ACTUALLY understand. But you do need to find some kind of anchor to keep you here, whatever that may be. It’s hard. It’s probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. But I promise it’s worth it. If anyone out there needs someone like that to talk to my inbox is open.
Thanks for your kind words.
It’s… I can and am choosing not to kill myself. I can’t choose to not want to kill myself. I think it’s kind of inevitable though, it’ll only take one time of things being bad enough for me to not care about hurting those who care about me. More or less just trying to give myself as much time as possible and enjoy what I can while I can.
I don’t really have any hope for the future. It’s become incredibly clear to me over the past few months that while I can feel better sometimes, nothing actually improves. Things don’t improve unless you actively try to improve them, and having tried and failed spectacularly it’s apparent that I even if I kept trying, it would be ineffective, and I just can’t care enough to keep trying.
I really don’t want to keep living, but I choose to anyways, at least until things I get bad I can’t choose anymore. I won’t hurt my friends and family and I know how I see things and how I feel are different from the reality of my situation. Just eventually, those won’t be enough anymore.
Agree with everything here. Something people don’t really understand is when you’re at that point of depression, suicide doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. It’s like, how much thought or importance do you put on choosing what color shirt you wear for the day? You don’t spend hours agonizing over it or thinking about it, you just wake up and look in your dresser and are like “well I guess it’s red today” and it’s the same for “well I guess it’s suicide today”. I’ve been there an uncomfortable amount of time. It’s a very scary place to be. You have to really actively fight against it.
And when you no longer enjoy anything, you can’t dive into something to distract yourself. When your personal connections no longer matter you can’t go to anyone to feel warm and fuzzy inside. You’re just alone and lost in the darkness. What has helped me when I’ve been in that spot is to find and reach out to other people who’ve been in the same spot and understand. The feeling and the whole experience is so hard to put into words to people who haven’t been through it.
At least for me, personally. I found comfort in people who were going through similar or have been through similar in the past and could ACTUALLY understand. But you do need to find some kind of anchor to keep you here, whatever that may be. It’s hard. It’s probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. But I promise it’s worth it. If anyone out there needs someone like that to talk to my inbox is open.