This may be unrelated to you, and only a me thing, but I had a couple of people in my lifetime that were great to me usually but would also tell me sometimes that other people were talking about x or y, or that I did something wrong and everyone was just being polite in a particular situation. So I began to rely on those people’s impressions of other people’s impressions of me to dictate my behavior. It took me years after those people were out of my life (it is exhausting to be someone’s conduit to humanity), where I was hyper-vigilant in every social situation wondering who is judging me, as those people had assured me they were but I could never tell, that it really just wasn’t happening… This lifetime insanity of thinking everyone wanted to shame me had to do more with the insecurity of a few people. And yea sometimes people did overtly point things out that they just thought was weird or “wrong” and that factored into the shame as well, but these people are also isolated voices and not part of a chorus, and I think the well-meaning ones did more damage. Just shooting my own stuff into the dark in case it sticks.

I never really felt like I fit in, not even in my own family. I grew up with only one side, so I think I ended up in the wrong one. No matter where I’m at, I always feel like I’m different or just visiting.

It sucks that you feel that the world is turning around to shame you. I think that’s probably a common autistic experience, so I hope you know you’re not alone in that experience and feeling.

When I feel like that, I tend to isolate for a little. Then, once I feel better or the need, I start looking for social circles in which I would feel comfortable being myself. Maybe you can think of some places that would work for you? If you’re looking to have a social outlet, our chat room is pretty active most of the time. Come on in, say hi, and make an infodump!

I’ve been feeling in a very similar way recently…

I don’t know if it helps somehow, but you’re not alone with that.

I sometimes feel if I’m in the inception movie. Towards the end where they enter the guys mind and his brain starts to detect the intruders and starts to attack them

So yeah I can relate. Being weird and not fitting in isn’t wrong. Own it and fck other people. Also, ask your doctor for propranolol (beta blockers) if you have social anxiety. It helps me. It might help you.

People mostly suck, life is much nicer without involving them.

A big thing that helped me is knowing that, even if nobody knows what it is like to be me, specifically, everything I have ever felt and experienced has been felt and experienced by at least one other person, somewhere. Feelings are far more universal that we realize as we are feeling them, and no matter how alone you feel, there are other people with that same feeling.

This isn’t meant to minimize your experience. In fact, it enhanced mine. By realizing that a lot of people feel the same feelings as me, it helped me communicate better. Even if I have a hard time identifying the name of a feeling, describing it in general terms opens a new point of communication that can bridge a lot of gaps.

For example, I have been able to go to a friend group and explain that, while jokes are okay, a particular joke made me feel unwelcome, and explained why. The fact that I felt excluded stopped being seen as a barrier, and instead it was the thing that started the conversation about the joke, why it was made, and it helped both parties learn some context for next time.

Even if it doesn’t work in your current situation, it can help in similar, future situations by helping you avoid this feelings trap in the future. It has certainly helped me a lot.

I was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was little and had to carry the knowledge that I was “different” with me all throughout my school years. Peers in my circles would constantly mock autism despite my protest, and I often got ridiculed for it.

Nowadays, having autism is considered trendy by zoomers with basic ass white bitches pretending to be aspy on TikTok and shit for clout. Hell, I matched with some chick on Tinder and apparently it was because I had something Autism-related in one of my pics and they claim to have autism (but were never diagnosed).

Society is beginning to normalize autism, which I wouldn’t exactly call a good thing, but if anything I hope that can give you the confidence to live your life a little more free from the idea that you don’t fit in. You and I are literally the new trendy thing for some freaking reason. Just be you and tell those who judge you for it to eat a bag of dicks because hiding it won’t do you any good, take my word on that.

edit: also if it helps put your mind at ease, the only people who will be able to identify your autism without you self reporting on it are behavior analysts and those also afflicted with autism or have lived with an afflicted individual for long enough. Normies can hardly even identify a Kanner’s when they are having a meltdown, which is why they stare like clueless bastards

It’s definitely a horrible feeling. Actually feeling this a lot right now myself. But for me it’s not shame rather it’s more I just don’t fit in anywhere and can’t relate to anyone.

Get a furball! 🐈❤️

And don’t feel bad for “not fitting in” all the time.

Nobody can be who they want all the time!

Im sorry you are feeling bad right now. Life ebbs & flows, things will lighten up & get easier on you, try to be patient.

This carries its own burden, but nobody is paying attention to you.